How to Boost Your Self-Esteem
What does it mean to have a healthy self-esteem?The reality is, having a healthy self-esteem means you like and appreciate yourself faults and all.
A good self-esteem can be the difference between being a happy, resilient individual, able to face life’s challenges head on, and someone who suffers from depression and anxiety and is often overwhelmed with life.
If you have struggled in the past with self-esteem issues, there are some things you can do to give it a much-needed boost:
FACE THE REAL
RealityMake a list of 10 of your strengths and 10 weaknesses. When you’re done making this list, you’ll see there are plenty of things you are really good at.
FORGET ABOUT PERFECTION
Perfection doesn’t exist. Focus your energy on achieving attainable goals like obtaining your degree and enjoying hobbies.If you would like to speak to someone about your self-esteem issues, I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
Tips for Coping with Social Isolation
Humans are social creatures and we don’t do well in isolation. That’s exactly why state penitentiaries punish prisoners by putting them into solitary confinement. It causes them great mental anguish.
Many of us have felt like prisoners in solitary confinement over the last couple of months because of the COVID-19 pandemic and subsequent lockdown. And many of us have been feeling our own mental anguish from this extended isolation.
Who knows how long this may go on? While none of us have control over what our governments do, we do have control over ourselves and our perceptions of the world. With this in mind, here are some tips for coping with social isolation, for however long it goes on.
Isolate Yourself from the Media
If you’re paying attention, it almost seems as if the media is trying to confuse us and cause panic more than report on actual news. Watching too much news doesn’t help anyone’s anxiety levels, so stay informed as best you can but don’t binge-watch.
Get Creative
Being isolated can get very boring very quickly so it’s important that you try and get creative with your time or getting your husband and kids to learn a new language with you. It could mean experimenting with an old recipe or making up a game with your kids. Just have fun and think outside the box!
Reconnect
Now is a great time to reconnect with friends and loved ones you haven’t spoken to in a while. And technology like Skype and Facetime makes it incredibly easy to chat with someone no matter where in the world they are.
Stay Active
A lot of the anxiety we may feel comes from the fact we aren’t moving our bodies as much as we usually do. It’s important to stay physically active during this time.
So get outside and get some sun. Go for a walk or ride your bike. Not only is exercise good for us physically, but physical activity releases endorphins that make us feel good mentally and emotionally as well.
Pray - Engage Spirituality
The world is a chaotic place right now and it seems we are being hit with noise and negativity from all sides. It’s important to make time each day for some quiet meditation in scripture reading and or prayer.
If you find that the social isolation is really beginning to trouble you and you’d like to speak with someone, please get in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
SOURCES:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202003/coping-isolationhttps://psychcentral.com/blog/quarantine-quandaries-how-to-beat-the-hum-drum-of-isolation/https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-ooze/201611/the-perils-social-isolation
4 Subtle Signs of Trauma: When You’re Dealing with More Than You Think
When you think about someone experiencing trauma, incidents such as a violent or sexual assault or a terrible car accident might come to mind. But there are other, subtler forms of trauma that can negatively affect our lives and hinder our relationships.
Emotional trauma is often overlooked and minimized, and we may think we’ve “gotten over” some emotional pain that we’ve simply buried, and not dealt with. A break up, being passed over for a promotion at work or even a simple but negative childhood experience can cause emotional trauma. Read on to see if you recognize any of these four subtle signs of trauma in yourself.
Overwhelmed
Anxiety and stress may develop in the aftermath of trauma, causing you to feel overwhelmed in numerous ways. You might feel out of control, like there is too much to do, or that people in your life are taking up too much of your time and attention. If you often feel as though your life has become unmanageable, this could be a sign that you have some unresolved emotional trauma.
Overreacting
Emotional overreactions are a common symptom of trauma. A victim of trauma might redirect their overwhelming emotions towards others, such as family and friends. Because these undealt with emotions are always bubbling under the surface, any incident that brings feelings forward can unleash these pent-up emotions.
If you can recall times when you’ve overreacted, and perhaps have even been surprised at your own reactions, this may be a sign of trauma.
Shame
It’s not uncommon for people suffering from emotional trauma to have feelings of shame and self-blame. If you have feelings of shame because of a traumatic event, you may devalue yourself or see yourself as weak. You might feel a stigma from what you endured, and this may prevent you from admitting that you may be traumatized, or prevent you from seeking help.
Daydreaming
Another subtle sign of trauma is “zoning” or “spacing out.” You might feel disconnected from others or have difficulty staying present in social situations. Emotional trauma can cause you to slow down internally, numbing your emotions or causing you to feel exhausted.
Because of the trauma you experienced, you may be averse to the expression of painful emotions, so you turn those emotions off. As you withdraw, your relationships with others suffer, causing you further psychological pain.
If these signs seem familiar and you believe you may be suffering from trauma, help is available. A caring, licensed professional trained in trauma treatment can help. Take the first step by giving me a call today, and let’s set up a time to talk.
How to Control Your Anger
Someone slides into the parking spot you had your eye on. A coworker takes credit for your work. Your spouse runs up $200 on the credit card without discussing it first. These are things that are apt to make you angry.
And that’s okay.
Anger is a natural response to many life events. Like other emotions, anger helps us understand our world and how we feel about it. When managed well, anger can provide a healthy release and be a motivator for transformation. But when we experience too much anger, to the point of becoming out of control, it can have lasting ramifications.
Our Brain on Anger
When anger reaches a very high level, our pre-frontal cortex, that is the part of the brain responsible for cognitive thought and reasoning, becomes hijacked. The amygdala, our primal emotional/instinctual part of the brain that induces the “fight or flight” response, takes over and we are no longer capable of rational thought.
When aroused to anger, our brains can no longer take in new information. This means if our partner or loved one is trying to talk sense into us and explain something, we CANNOT hear them.
All we are aware of is that we must defend ourselves as if our very life depends on it. We feel under extreme attack and are ready to fight back.
How to Control Your Anger
Now that you know how your brain responds, it’s time to learn some techniques to manage your extreme anger.
Take a Breather
You know that the hotter you get, the more your brain shuts down and becomes unable to process any information. There is no sense in you continuing to talk/argue with someone. Your best course of action is to put the fire out before it begins to rage by calling a time out and taking a breather.
Exercise
The body’s “fight or flight” response releases powerful hormones that are intended to help us fight or run. Without this physical release, they can linger in the body and cause health problems. Going for a walk, run or lifting weights can be a great way to burn through these hormones and release soothing endorphins.
Seek Out Counseling
Managing extreme anger can be very challenging, especially in the beginning. A mental health professional will be able to share coping strategies and techniques to control outbursts.
If you or someone you love has anger management issues and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
Do You Have PTSD?
PTSD is used to describe the anguish suffered by those who have experienced sudden trauma.Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) describes a condition that presents like PTSD, the difference being the sufferer experienced prolonged periods of abuse or neglect.
Symptoms of C-PTSD:
• The individual has experienced multiple traumas that have lasted for months (or even years) perhaps throughout one’s life.
• The individual had no control or power over the person or event traumatizing themSymptoms of C-PTSD
• Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares• Avoiding people, places, and situations that remind them of the trauma.
• Dizziness or nausea when remembering the trauma.
• Hyperarousal and being startled by loud noises.
• Paranoia, mood swings, anger, acting out.
• A loss of trust in self or others.
• Difficulty sleeping and concentrating.
Treatment for C-PTSD
PsychotherapyTalk Therapy: debriefing, addressing feelings, and dealing with anxiety and flashbacks.MedicationIn severe cases, some individuals may need to be on medications for a while to reduce their anxiety.
How Infidelity Affects Mental Health
No one ever wants to be on the receiving end of romantic betrayal. The emotional pain of discovering that someone you love and trust has been cheating and lying to you can be overwhelming.
When you are the victim of massive deception and betrayal, it can leave you feeling sadness, confusion, resentment, and anger. Many victims also feel an increase in their anxiety and a decrease in their self-esteem. But infidelity doesn’t just affect our emotional health, it also affects our mental health.
In fact, many victims of infidelity experience the same symptoms that are linked to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), becoming totally disoriented and confused as to what has happened to them.
Some of the classic symptoms of PTSD often experienced by those whose partners have cheated on them are:
Looping intrusive thoughts
Inability to regulate emotions
Out of body experiences
Oscillating between feeling numb and rageful
Hyper alert (looking for new potential threats)
Feeling helpless and vulnerableConfusion and disorientation
Problems with memory and cognition
Lack of trust
If you have been the victim of infidelity, then know that you, like a soldier returning from war, have been psychologically injured and you require tender care to set you on the path back to you.
Healing from Infidelity
As devastating as it can be to learn that your significant other has betrayed you in such an intimate way, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can pick up the pieces of your life and find joy and comfort once again.
Here are some ways you can begin to heal after infidelity:
Be Gentle on Yourself
Don’t fall into the “I should have known…” trap. This is not your fault. Now is the time to be on your own side.
Breathe Deeply
Your emotions will be overwhelming for a little while. You will feel lost, anxious and panicky. When these feelings start to rise, STOP, take a slow deep breath and let it out. Take another one and another one. It is amazing how deep breathing can completely calm us almost instantly. Your breath will become your new best friend.
Seek Counseling
Remember, you’re not just healing from infidelity, you are healing from the PTSD that the infidelity caused. You will need some professional guidance to help you cope with the symptoms you are currently experiencing.
If you would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch with me. I would be happy to help you on your journey to becoming whole and happy once again.
3 Steps to Self-Compassion
“God, you can be so stupid sometimes.”
“Why would he be attracted to YOU?”
“You’re just going to screw this up.”
These are things you would probably never say to another human being unless you’re a real jerk. But how many of us have that inner critic that says these kinds of things all the time.
Most of us treat ourselves far more harshly than we would anyone else. And that’s a shame. In my experience, so much of the depression and anxiety my clients feel stems from a dysfunctional relationship they have with themselves.
But every day is a chance for you to develop a loving relationship with yourself. And the best way to do that is to practice self-compassion.
If that concept seems foreign to you or you are even uncomfortable with the idea of showing yourself compassion, then please keep reading to learn some simple but profound ways you can begin to practice self-compassion as a way to connect lovingly with yourself.
1. Become More Mindful of Your Feelings
Self-compassion is the pathway to emotional healing. But to begin, you must become more aware of your own emotions, especially as they relate to yourself.
Try to be more aware of when you are emotionally struggling with something. Perhaps you are feeling confused, desperate, or inadequate. Ordinarily, in these moments your inner critic may strike. But now, try and offer yourself kindness instead.
You may say something to yourself life, “I know you’re disappointed. And I also know you did your best. And I am so proud of you.”
If you are at a loss for the right words in these moments, simply talk to yourself as you would a friend, or better yet, a small child.
2. Monitor Yourself
Until you become used to being compassionate toward yourself, you’ll want to monitor the language you use. You are most likely so used to criticizing yourself that it will be far too easy for the wrong choice of words to come out. That’s okay. In these moments you certainly don’t want to scold yourself. Just be aware and make a compassionate correction.
3. Get Physical
There’s a phrase that says, “get out of your head and drop into your body.” This is a perfect way to begin the ritual of self-compassion.
Begin to use kind physical gestures with yourself. This could be gently stroking your cheeks and temples when you’re stressed, holding your hand over your heart when you’re sad, or holding your own hand when you feel lonely. Any physical gesture, so long as it’s loving, will help you show yourself true love and kindness in those moments.
For some people who have very low self-esteem, showing themselves compassion may prove to be incredibly difficult. In these cases, it’s a good idea to speak with a therapist who can help them uncover where the feelings stem from and how they can change their thoughts and behavior.
If you are interested in exploring treatment options, please get in touch with me. I would be happy to see how I may be able to help.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Relationships can only be healthy when both people have the space to be themselves and maintain their personal integrity. Sadly, many people find themselves in relationships, romantic and otherwise, with people who do not respect boundaries and feel entitled to have their needs met regardless of the other person’s. These people most likely grew up in households that were unsafe and unstable, and where there was a constant invasion of personal boundaries.
If you can relate, chances are you have a hard time creating healthy boundaries to create the life experience you wish to have. Here are some ways you can begin to do so:
Identify Your Limits
You can’t set boundaries unless you discover where it is you personally stand. You’ll need to take a bit of time to recognize what you can and cannot tolerate. What makes you happy and what makes you feel uncomfortable and stressed? Only until you have made these discoveries can you move on to the next steps.
Don’t Be Shy
People who have similar communication styles are easy to engage with. These people will quickly understand what your new barriers are. But people who have a different cultural background or personality may not easily understand your boundaries. With these people, it’s important to be very clear and direct.
Pay Attention to Your Feelings
People who have a hard time setting boundaries don’t often allow themselves to acknowledge their own feelings because they’re usually too busy worrying about everyone else’s.
You’ll need to start recognizing how people make you feel in order to know whether your new boundaries are being crossed or not. When you’re with someone, make mental notes, or even jot down in a journal how that interaction made you feel.
If, after spending time with someone, you feel anger or resentment, this is a sign that the person may be overstepping your boundaries. Reiterate to this person what your boundaries are. If they continue to disrespect you and them, you will want to cut yourself away from further interactions.
Make Self-Care a Priority
Put yourself and your needs first. This may feel strange and even somehow wrong if you’ve spent your entire life taking care of others. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings and get what you need to feel happy and well.
Speak with Someone
If you’ve spent an entire life with a sense of low self-worth, you may find setting boundaries quite difficult. In this case, it’s important to speak with a therapist that can help you discover where these feelings are coming from and how to change your thought patterns and behavior.
If you’d like to explore therapy, please get in touch with me. I would be happy to help you on your journey toward self-care.
The Best Medicine is a Treadmill: How Daily Exercise Can Treat Depression
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 9% of American adults live with depression. It’s also worth mentioning that a major depressive episode is the leading cause of disability for Americans between the ages of 15 and 44.
Antidepressants are commonly prescribed to treat people with moderate or severe depression. And while these drugs do offer some relief, they often come with some pretty nasty side effects such as:
headaches
nausea
trouble sleeping
dizziness
diarrhea
weakness and fatigue
anxiety
stomach upset
dry mouth
sexual problems such as low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, or ejaculation problems
trouble urinating
fast heart rate
sweating
memory problems
fatigue
weight gain
That’s quite a list.
The obvious problem is these side effects can make someone who is depressed feel even worse. But there is some good news.
Exercise Helps Beat Depression NaturallyStudies on exercise and depression are conclusive: Not only does exercise treat depression, it can also prevent it. In fact, researchers from Duke University found exercise to be as effective as medicine.
Exercise not only increases blood flow to the brain, it also releases endorphins, which are the body’s own natural antidepressants. Exercise also releases other neurotransmitters, like serotonin, which lift mood.
The really good news is, it only takes moderate exercise three times a week to reap the antidepressant benefits. You don’t have to train for a marathon or a triathlon to feel better.
Here are a few exercise ideas to get you started:
Walk Your DogTake your dog(s) for a half hour walk around the neighborhood. Not only will your body release endorphins but your dog’s health will also benefit from routine exercise.
Go for a Bike RideFamily bike rides are a great way to bond and get a good workout at the same time. If the weather doesn’t permit outdoor biking, a stationary bike is a good investment.
SwimSwimming is one of the absolute best total body exercises. As a bonus, the steady movements through water also has a naturally calming effect.
Walk at LunchGrab a few friends and/or colleagues on your lunch break and go for a half hour walk.
Exercise doesn’t have to be hard or complicated. Whatever form you like, commit to doing that at least three times a week and see if you don’t start to feel better.
You may also want to speak with a therapist, who can help you navigate your emotions and offer tools for coping.
If you’d like to explore talk therapy, please get in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a developmental disorder that results in repetitive behaviors, social interaction and communication challenges, as well as challenges with sensory processing. The word “spectrum” is aptly used to reflect that symptoms can vary greatly, from mild to severe, across different individuals.
In a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 59 U.S. children were identified as having ASD. The earlier the disorder is diagnosed, the sooner a child can be helped through treatment interventions.
ASD Symptoms
The symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder include:
- Trouble with basic human communication. This can include a lack of responsiveness during social interactions, abnormal use of gestures, eye contact or facial expressions and a difficulty understanding relationships.
- Repetitive behaviors and interests that can include specific movements or spoken phrases, a need for routine, intense interest in specific objects or topics, and either low or high levels of sensitivity to sensory environment (sights, sounds, smells).
- Symptoms present early in childhood and cause “clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.”
Diagnosing ASD
As stated earlier, it’s important that ASD be diagnosed as early as possible to reduce the symptoms of autism and improve the child’s quality of life. There is no medical test for autism. Instead, diagnosis is based on observing the child. Trained professionals are usually able to diagnose autism by speaking with the child and asking questions of parents and other caregivers.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children be screened for developmental disorders before the age of three. Under federal law, any child that is suspected of having a developmental disorder is able to get a free evaluation.
Here are some possible red flags for autism spectrum disorder that the Centers for Disease Control has identified:
- Not reacting to his or her name by the age of 12 months.
- Not acknowledging objects to show interest by 14 months.
- Not playing “pretend” games by 18 months.
- Isolating themselves and not making direct eye contact.
- Getting upset by minor changes to routine.
- Repetitive motions such as spinning in circles, rocking their body or flapping their hands.
If your infant or toddler has shown any of these symptoms and you have concerns about their development, it’s important that you bring them to your family physician for evaluation. If you are not satisfied with what the pediatrician is telling you in response to what you are observing in your child's behavior, you may want to get a 2nd opinion free of charge from the local Regional Center a state and federal agency that specializes in developmental disorders. They have a mandate to help your child with an army of specialists who are ready to work with your child. Their belief is that if they start working with your child while still an infant, then your child will have a better chance of being caught up in their cognitive and motor skills by the time they reach pre-school, kindergarten or elementary school. While there is no cure for Autism Spectrum Disorder, there are different styles of behavioral therapy that can lesson symptoms and improve the child and their family’s quality of life.
SOURCES:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/autism-spectrum-disorder
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/autism/what-is-autism-spectrum-disorder
https://psychcentral.com/autism/
When we’re young, we’re taught how to share and play well with others. Somehow as adults, these early lessons don’t always translate into building and maintaining loving relationships.
But, it’s never too late to learn new life skills, and creating healthy relationships is one of the best skills you can have. The following are the essential relationship elements of a lasting love. If you can master these, you will set yourself up to experience a wonderful relationship for the rest of your life.
Create Trust and Mutual Respect
Even the most loving of relationships is going to be put to the test every once in a while. All couples experience ups and downs and the stress of every day life. The key is to not take that out on each other.
Create a safe environment in your relationship where each of you can speak honestly and freely. Never interrupt or yell or belittle the other person. Should things get too heated, step back, and wait until things cool off.
Don’t Judge
“For better or for worse.” If you’re married, those are the words you agreed to. If you’re not married, you still made a choice to partner with another human being who has flaws and quirks just like you.
It’s important to accept your partner and not judge them too harshly. This doesn’t mean you have to like everything they do, and it doesn’t mean you can’t remind them every once in awhile that they need to scoop the cat litter as well.
But it does mean that you should try and be as compassionate as possible. Compassion is the opposite of judgement and it allows you to be open and fully connect with the ones you love.
Make Time for Each Other
It’s far too easy to get busy and neglect the relationship. Many couples get to the point where they become more like roommates than a romantic couple. Don’t allow this to happen. Be sure to make time each week to check in with each other and reconnect.
Be Responsible for Your Feelings
No one can “fix us” or make us all better. We must heal ourselves from old wounds and scars (and we all have those!). Our partners should be there to support us in becoming whole, but ultimately it is our responsibility to heal, not theirs.
These guidelines can help you and your love stay a positive force in each other’s lives. But let’s face it, sometimes life can come at us and before we know it, the relationship is on the rocks. At times like these, it can be very helpful to speak with a couple’s therapist who can guide you through the rough patch and get you reconnected.
If you and your partner would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
Stress Management
Everyone encounters stress during their lives at one point—never-ending bills, demanding schedules, work, and family responsibilities—and that can make stress seem inescapable and uncontrollable. Stress management skills are designed to help a person take control of their lifestyle, thoughts, and emotions and teach them healthy ways to cope with their problems.
Find the Cause
The first step in stress management is identifying your stressors. While this sounds fairly easy—it’s not hard to point to major changes or a lot of work piling up—chronic stress can be complicated, and most people don’t realize how their habits contribute to their stress. Maybe work piling up isn’t from the actual demands of your job, but more so from your procrastination. You have to claim responsibility for the role you play in creating your stress or you won’t be able to control it.
Strategies for Stress Management
Once you’ve found what causes your stress, focus on what you can control. Eliminate the realistic stressors and develop consistent de-stressing habits. Instead of watching TV or responding to texts in bed after work - take a walk, or read a book. Maintaining a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and getting enough quality sleep, will ease feelings of stress and help you relax.
Also, make a conscious effort to set aside time for yourself and for relaxation. Alone time can be whatever you need it to be. Some people like doing activities such as tai chi, yoga, or meditation, but you can also treat yourself to something simple, like taking a bubble bath, listening to music, or watching a funny movie. Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash
We are living through some of the most stressful times in recent history. With the global pandemic raging on, many of us are still worried about our own health and the health of our loved ones, especially our older friends and family members.
Many of us have also been hit with financial burdens. Some have lost jobs and others have had to close their businesses. How will the mortgage and bills get paid?
To make an already bad situation worse, a lot of us are still experiencing lockdown and quarantine. Many are working from home for the first time and still, others are unable to travel and be with loved ones.
This has left a majority of people feeling alone and isolated when they are already feeling they are most vulnerable.
The Link between Isolation and Drug Use
During stressful circumstances, it is a natural tendency for people to turn to drugs and alcohol as a way of coping. A study reported in the American Journal of Epidemiology found there was a 25% increase in alcohol consumption in the weeks following 9/11.
The stress and isolation of the current pandemic are putting those people who are prone to addiction at great risk. Virtual cocktail hours are now officially a thing. But how many of those cocktail hours end when the computer is shut off?
Human beings are social creatures. When you take our ability to be social away, it can lead to depression and anxiety. Even people who have no history of addiction are at risk of developing a drinking or drug problem during the pandemic as a way of coping with social isolation.
When coping with stress, it can be hard to self-monitor our behaviors, but it is incredibly important for our overall health and well-being. If you suspect you have been drinking or using any drug more than you should at this time, it’s important to be honest about that.
Ask yourself a few questions:
Has cocktail hour started earlier or gone later than usual lately?
Does the bottle of wine that used to last 3 days barely last one night?
Do you ever feel like you SHOULD cut down on your drinking or other drug use?
Have you noticed you’re thinking about drinking or using drugs more and more?
Have loved ones commented on the amount you’ve been drinking?
It’s important that you are honest with yourself at this time. And if you answered yes to one or more of these questions, it’s important that you get some help.
Many treatment centers remain open during this time. You may also want to think about speaking with a mental health counselor. If in-person sessions are not available, find a provider who offers telehealth solutions. This means you can receive treatment online.
Times are tough for everyone right now. You are not alone. If you are turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the stress and isolation, please get the help you need.
SOURCES:
